


Darkest Secrets

by Kali588



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blink and you'll miss Bucky/Darcy, Canonical Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con, The Pepper and Tony is implied, This may be revised again later, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:29:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5628295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kali588/pseuds/Kali588
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint and Natasha go to a party, Clint steals a drink and is surprised to hear about what happened next. Tumblr response to "things you said when i was crying and things you said that made me feel like shit."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkest Secrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QuietlyImplode](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuietlyImplode/gifts).



> Tumblr response to quietlyimplode for angst, hurt/comfort with the prompt "things you said when i was crying" and "things you said that made me feel like shit." The rape reference is for Kate's portion. I don't normally do angst, so hope you all still enjoy!

They had been at a Tony Stark Party - a favor called in by Pepper. Natasha always paid her debts. Clint tagged along because, well, free food. Natasha had been asked to dance by several men. She had agreed, her smile never wavering, though Clint could almost hear the cover snap into place. He just shrugged and ate as waiters walked by carrying various  _ amuse-bouche _ (that’s what Nat called them, he just called them tiny appetizers). He saw mostly champagne flutes, but he could see a waiter weaving through the crowd with a glass of some amber colored liquid. He smiled and slipped his way to the waiter, stopping him. “Something other than champagne? I’ll take it!”

“This is for Mr. Stark, it’s from his private cellar-”

“Nah, Tony won’t mind!” and Clint took a large drink. Tony always had the good stuff anyway. Tasted weird, but what did he know about good Scotch? He normally just drank beer, but last time he had asked for a beer at one of these things, Stark had mocked him for a week. The waiter looked upset, but walked away quickly when Clint glared at him. He remembered finishing the drink, and then everything else was blank.

***

When he woke up, he was at his apartment in Bed-Stuy. Which was weird - normally they just crashed at the Tower after one of those parties. Especially if they drank too much, which judging by the pounding of his head, he had. He looked to his right and saw that side of the bed untouched. Also weird - he couldn’t remember the last time Nat slept at her own place. He grunted and headed to the shower. Hot shower and cold pizza was what he needed. And a pot of coffee. 

He was on step three when his door opened and Kate stood there. “Well, look at the jackass who has decided to grace us with his presence.”

“My apartment, Katie-Kate. You should just know this is where I’d be.”

“Well, I kind of thought that after last night you’d be in several pieces across several states, with the location of your head known only by one Black Widow.” And by head I mean-”

“Subtle, Kate. What are you talking about?”

“Don’t pretend that the shit you said was just because you were drunk. You shot three arrows into a bullseye to prove you were sober after I told you that you were drunk.”

He frowned. “Don’t remember that.”

“You don’t remember. You don’t remember telling me how I’m not worthy to be a Hawkeye? Or that I need to go back to Daddy, because I could never hack it as a hero? That I need to stop running from my destiny of marrying some guy you dubbed Richard Wellington the Fourth and spending his money? Or, how about my personal favorite, that I deserved every shitty thing that has ever happened to me and it’s my own fault that I was raped!?” Her voice escalated as she stomped over to him, until she was screaming the last in his face. 

He looked horrified. “No! I don’t remember any of that! I would never say that to you! You know me better than that!” She punched him in the face. His head snapped back and his hand went to his eye. “ _ Dammit _ , Kate, I’m sorry!”

She shook out her hand and smiled. “Damn right you are. And I got a call from Pepper this morning explaining that a waiter had been caught trying to slip some sort of drug to Tony last night, which she believes you would have been caught in the crossfire of, due to yours and Natasha’s sudden exit. She asked me to come over and let you know, since she can’t reach Natasha. I just thought you owed me a punch in the face.”

“Well, shit. Can I have some ice?”

“You don’t have any ice. You never have ice.”

“Oh.” He stood up. “Wait! Have you talked to Natasha?”

She looked at him with sad eyes. “No one has been able to reach her. She left after she got you here last night. From the look on her face when she dropped you off, I wasn’t the only one you were saying terrible things about.”

He scrubbed his hand on the back of his head. “I’ve gotta go talk to her.”

“Good luck, Hawkguy.” She snagged Lucky’s leash and they left. Clint sniffed a couple of shirts and pulled on the least offensive. And then put his body armor on over that. Best to be prepared.

***

It didn’t take him long to make his way to Natasha’s building, but he used the time to check his call log. There had been a call to Bobbi (wince), a call to Steve (double wince), a call to Darcy (depends on who answered that - could be okay if she answered and not Barnes), and a call to what appeared to be a random number. He sat on a fire escape about a block down from Natasha’s to try and set some of it right. It had a good view of her building so he would see if she came out. 

His call to Bobbi was sent to voicemail, where he left an apology and a request to call him back so he could explain. Steve actually picked up, but didn’t let Clint apologize. “I talked to Pepper. She explained the situation. Tony said he won’t make you pay for the stuff that you broke, but he expects you to replace the Scotch. He’ll send you an email with the specs.”

Clint put his head in his hand. “Stuff that I broke?”

“Yeah. Seems you got a little...belligerent with Natasha after she had been dancing with some guy for three or four songs. She tried to get you to leave, but I guess you made a scene…”

“Oh no.”

There were sounds of the phone being passed, and then Tony came on the line. “Should have just gotten a beer, Barton. Pepper feels bad for you, she’s soft like that. Widow did some sort of Vulcan grip on you to get you into the elevator and out of the party, but you totally trashed the Avengers common room. Looks like you were trying to kill each other - couldn’t make it to the gym?”

“ _ I don’t know _ , Tony! I don’t remember anything! I’m almost to Natasha’s and I’m hoping she’ll give me a chance to explain before she kicks my ass again!”

“If you don’t remember anything then how do you know she kicked your ass?”

“Because she always kicks my ass.”

“Well, that’s true. Godspeed, Robin Hood.”

Rogers came back on the line for a second. “Be careful, Clint. She got you out of there, but I’ve never seen her look like that. I was surprised to hear from you today.”

“Seems to be a theme. I’ll make this right, Cap.” Steve hmmed and hung up the line. 

No movement from Natasha’s. Since he didn’t recognize the random number, he hoped that was just him butt dialing or something. He swiped to call Darcy.. 

“Hey asshat.” That didn’t tell him much, since it was her normal greeting.

“Hey. Did I talk to you last night?”

“I got your drunk dial. Well, Bucky picked it up but he said you were very insistent that you to speak to me. We talked. You told me that you had messed up, big time. And that you were pretty sure no one would ever talk to you again, you were going to have to leave the Avengers and go back to being a merc. You’re too old to go back to the circus.”

“I didn’t say any awful, terrible things to you or Barnes?”

“James didn’t really say anything other than it was for me, but he didn’t look mad and he didn’t go find a weapon so I think you’re okay.” She paused and Clint could hear muffled talking. “He says you’re an asshole for calling this early after calling so late. Which I agree with. But you didn’t say anything to me other than being sad, drunk Clint. I told you to go sleep it off and then you hung up.”

“Okay. Okay, that’s good. Must have been coming down. Thanks, Darce. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Peace out, cub scout,” and the call ended. He was about to put the phone away when it rang back from Bobbi.

He answered with an immediate apology. She responded, “Explain.” So he did. She accepted his apology. He mentioned that he’d called a couple of people that night and was trying to make amends. He read the number off that he had called after her, and she got quiet. “I’ll pass on the message, Clint. And the explanation. Lose the number.”

“Are you serious!?”

“Completely.”

“Bobbi, come on!”

“Just...hold on.” The phone had that weird silence it gets when the person hits mute. After a couple of minutes, she came back. “You’re on speaker.”

“Listen...I don’t know who this is, or what I said, but it’s important to me that you know that I’m sorry. Whatever this crap was that I drank...it takes your darkest secrets about a person and twists it. You take the worst things you know about people and you throw it in their face. And leaves you with no memory of what you said, so that when you ruin a friendship you don’t even know why.. I’ve been pretty lucky with my friends, though, and they know it kind of happens in this line of work. I hope you’re the same. I hope you know that whatever poison I spewed at you, it wasn’t true. Even if this is Hunter.” No response. “Okay. That’s all I wanted to say. Thanks for listening. Sorry again.”

He heard a throat clearing, and then someone who sounded an awful lot like Phil said, “Thank you, Agent Barton,” before the call ended. He blinked a couple of times at the phone, and then shoved it in his pocket. It was time to face the music.

He knew Natasha wouldn’t let him in the front door, and if he used his own code to get in it would announce his arrival. Better to go in through the fire escape. He knew how to disarm the alarm there. He was a little shocked - and more than a little worried - when it wasn’t armed. That wasn’t like her. He silently slid open the window and crawled in to the bedroom. She wasn’t in bed, though Liho was curled up in the middle. He peered into the living room. He could see her, curled up on the couch, staring at a mug of tea that gave off no steam. He could see a tear rolling down her face. She made no move to wipe it away. He felt the twinge in his heart and knocked his head on the door frame. When he looked up, she had pulled a gun and had it aimed at him.

“Hi.” The gun didn’t move. “So…Kate came by this morning. Said I said some…truly horrifying things to her last night. Probably did the same to you. Don’t really remember” The gun still didn’t move, but he saw another tear fall. “Pepper called her when she couldn’t get you. Something about I drank…something meant for Tony. I can call her and you can verify.” He held his right hand out, palm out while he slowly moved his left hand to his pocket and pulled out his phone. When she didn’t shoot him for moving, he unlocked and pressed the picture of Kate on his favorites list. “Hey. I’m at Natasha’s. No, not bleeding yet. I will not make that offer to her. Because her punches hurt more than yours! God, can you call her on her cell and tell her what Pepper told you? Thank you.”

He waited, both hands up, still holding the phone. Natasha’s phone vibrated once and she had it at her ear. She kept her eyes on him the whole time, though they narrowed when Kate began to talk. She listened for a few minutes, exhaled loudly through her nose, and hung up. She relaxed her arm, though kept the safety off and her finger on the trigger. “Kate says you genuinely don’t remember and that you did not have control of the things you said. But these things…they come from somewhere.”

“Nat, what did I say?” She shook her head. “Tasha, I want to fix this. What did I say?”

“That I tricked you, all those years ago. If you’d known what a whore I was for the  _ Soviet supremacy-”  _ she spat out those words, a bitter reminder of her conditioning “you would have done the job you were sent to do. That I traded one master for another by coming to SHIELD. That I didn’t deserve to be redeemed and my ledger would always be dripping red. That I was incapable of loving you.” The Black Widow would never sob, but his Tasha, her shoulders shook from the effort not to do so in front of him. As always, Hawkeye had hit his mark.

He took a step forward, and when she didn’t raise the gun, another. He moved slowly and spoke softly. “Tasha. You are your own person. Terrifying, beautiful, and possibly the smartest person I know. You have no master because you are no longer a slave. You know I don’t believe in your ledger talk, but if I did, you would have been in the black a long time ago.” He crouched in front of her, knowing she had watched him in her peripheral. “You are the one to decide if what you feel for me is love. I know it frequently feels like exasperation, or annoyance.” A corner of her mouth lifted at that. “But I know what I feel for you. It goes deeper than love. We’re partners. You’re the other half that I didn’t know was missing until I was whole. I would never,  _ never _ , do anything to try and hurt you. Not willingly.”

“Like I said - those things came from somewhere, Barton. And the fight…”

“From talking to Kate and Bobbi, it sounds like basically this thing finds the worst things you know about a person and pushes it to the front of your mind with a big sign that says AMMUNITION - MUST USE.”

“That’s not reassuring at all.”

“I know. I’m just trying to explain...and I assume at the time it felt so  _ right _ that I fought you. I don’t really know.”

“You were pretty adamant that I was cheating on you. That’s why I dragged you out of the main area. And then...well, you pissed me off. You know how I feel about my past, and you were the person I trusted most, so to have you say all of that...I took you down pretty hard. And then I got your ass back to your apartment, where Kate said she’d keep an eye on you, and left.”

He didn’t comment on the past tense. The Widow guarded her heart very closely, and he had cut deeply. He deserved to lose her trust and he would do his damndest to earn it back. “Tasha...I can’t lose you. We’ve been with each other, one way or another, for so long that you are a piece of me. A vital one. I need you in my life. And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you here.”

He noticed the wicked glint in her eye when she said, “Oh, you will.”

She took her hand off the gun and held it out to him. He grasped it and brought it to his cheek so that she was cradling his face. “So, do you forgive me?”

“Kate said she got to give you a black eye.”

“Kid sucker punched me. For you, I wore body armor.”

“Smart. I wasn’t sure about shooting you or not. But you can be damn sure we’ll be hitting the mats. A lot. And I expect a love slave for at least 2 months.”

“Letting me off easy, huh?” She pinched his cheek. “Deal. And hey, on the bright side, Tony said I don’t have to pay for anything other than his scotch.”

“Clint, a bottle of that scotch is $25,000.”

“What!? Aw, money, no."


End file.
